How Can A Couple Adjust After Becoming Parents?

QUESTION: Please help me. I feel like something has gone terribly wrong with
my marriage, and this is supposed to be a joyful time for my husband and me.
You see, we just had a baby two months ago. Although my husband loves the
baby, he seems jealous. Also, he doesn't seem to understand that I'm
exhausted from working at my new and never ending responsibilities and I'm not
in the mood to have sex as often as we used to before I was pregnant.
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ANSWER: Rest assured, your problem is not unusual in couples who have just
become parents. There is a big adjustment to be made now that you are a
threesome. Little attention is paid to the sexual adjustment of the couple.
Instead, the focus becomes the health-care needs of the baby and mother, which
are important, but not to the exclusion of the health of the couple. Some
couples wind up viewing their newborn's arrival as the beginning of the end of
sex, which can have terrible ramifications on the family if not worked
through.
Both parents usually experience sleep disturbances with the baby's
arrival, leading to fatigue. This is a major cause of decreased sexual desire
after childbirth.
Other factors that interfere with the sexual relationship are tension,
anxiety, preoccupation, fear of another pregnancy, career demands, and the
woman's feeling that she is now unattractive due to weight gain.
There is also the very common problem of dyspareunia--an abnormal
condition in which intercourse becomes very painful for the woman.
About 16 percent of women who deliver vaginally report discomfort during
intercourse one year postpartum. Fathers should be informed by doctors that
most couples have a decreased frequency of intercourse from a few months after
conception to at least a year after birth. New parents need to learn to
communicate about their personal problems and fears. You should bring your
husband along with you to the standard exam six weeks after delivery.
Your doctor can then explain that initial lovemaking should be gentle and
lubrication should be used to alleviate the woman's pain or dryness. You
should also know that it is possible for you to get pregnant again very
quickly, another important consideration.
Couples need to learn to shift their attention from intercourse to other
forms of physical pleasure.
Touching, kissing, caressing, massaging will help re-bond the sexual
relationship. Learn to be creative in lovemaking; oral and manual forms of
sex can be exciting and fulfilling if you work at it.
Get your husband involved in caring for the baby, share both the joys and
difficulties with him. His understanding of the reasons for your mood are
important if his actions are to change. Remember, you are now building a
family, a step up from just working at a marriage. The problem of "jealousy"
is resolved when you can respond to his anxiety with the reassurance that a
caring word or a tender gesture can offer. I am sure you feel it, it just
takes a moment of thought to express it.
If you can't seem to work through this problem within a short time, then
see a doctor or counselor to help you and your husband get back on the right
track.
ies